Tempe News Report: Football practice in Tempe was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Dirk Koetter, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

My two favorite teams are Arizona and whoever plays Arizona State!

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Arizona State win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the Arizona State University campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Sun Devils cheerleaders back on board.

Q: Do you know why the Arizona State University football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What should you do if you find three Arizona State University fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

Did you hear about the Sun Devil fan who was so upset that the Wildcats beat Arizona State that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Q: What do you call a Arizona State player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

It was reported that Arizona State head football coach Dirk Koetter will only be dressing twenty players for the Arizona game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Arizona State Sun Devils?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

It's 03:20 and Arizona State STILL sucks!

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Tempe?

A: Tucson: 187 Miles

One day in an elementary school in Tempe, AZ, a teacher asks her class if the Arizona State Sun Devils are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Arizona Wildcats "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Wildcat fan, my mom is a Wildcat fan, I guess that makes me a Wildcat fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me an Arizona State fan."

Q: What does the average Arizona State University student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

One foggy night, an Arizona fan and an Arizona State fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Tucson. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Arizona State fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Wildcat fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Arizona State fan walks over to the Wildcat fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Wildcat fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Wildcat fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Sun Devil fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Sun Devil fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Sun Devil fan hands it back to the Wildcat fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Wildcat fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Q: How do you make Arizona State University cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: Why do Arizona State University fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: How many Arizona State University freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: What's the hardest thing about being an Arizona State Sun Devil fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the Arizona State University campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

Q: How do you get an Arizona State University grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

An Arizona State Sun Devils fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

Q: Did you hear about the Arizona State University fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: Why don't Arizona State Sun Devils fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at Arizona State University weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Arizona State University campus?

A: A visitor.

Q: What's the difference between an Arizona State fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Arizona State joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am an Arizona State grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's an Arizona State grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's an Arizona State grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Q: How many Arizona State fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Arizona State, an Arizona grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Arizona grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Wildcats!" and pushed the Sun Devils fan off the side of the mountain.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in Arizona State University's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Arizona State University library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q. What did the Arizona State graduate say to the Arizona graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: What do you get when you cross an Arizona State University fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

Two Arizona State University fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first Arizona State fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second Arizona State fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first Arizona State fan asks, "Why not?"

The second Arizona State fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: What do Arizona State and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!