Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Utah weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Utah campus?

A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Utah library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Utah Utes?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Utah joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Utah grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Utah grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Utah grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Utah win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Utah's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: What's the difference between a Utah fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Utah campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Utes cheerleaders back on board.

Q: What's the hardest thing about being a Utah Ute fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Q: How do you get a University of Utah grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: How many Utah fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

A Utah Utes fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

Q: What do Utah and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Utah fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

Salt Lake City News Report: Football practice in Salt Lake City was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Kyle Whittingham, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Q: How many University of Utah freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Two University of Utah fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first Utah fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second Utah fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first Utah fan asks, "Why not?"

The second Utah fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: What should you do if you find three University of Utah fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

Q: What does the average University of Utah student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Q: How do you make University of Utah cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Salt Lake City?

A: Provo: 187 Miles

Q: Do you know why the University of Utah football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Did you hear about the Ute fan who was so upset that the Cougars beat Utah that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Q: Why don't Utah Utes fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q. What did the Utah graduate say to the BYU graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: What do you call a Utah player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

Q: Did you hear about the University of Utah fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

It's 06:26 and Utah STILL sucks!

It was reported that Utah head football coach Kyle Whittingham will only be dressing twenty players for the BYU game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

My two favorite teams are BYU and whoever plays Utah!

One day in an elementary school in Salt Lake City, UT, a teacher asks her class if the Utah Utes are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The BYU Cougars "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Cougar fan, my mom is a Cougar fan, I guess that makes me a Cougar fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Utah fan."

One foggy night, a BYU fan and a Utah fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Provo. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Utah fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Cougar fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Utah fan walks over to the Cougar fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Cougar fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Cougar fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Ute fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Ute fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Ute fan hands it back to the Cougar fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Cougar fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a Utah, a BYU grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the BYU grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Cougars!" and pushed the Utes fan off the side of the mountain.

Q: Why do University of Utah fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of Utah campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.