Auburn News Report: Football practice in Auburn was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Tommy Tuberville, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Q: How many Auburn University freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Two Auburn University fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first Auburn fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second Auburn fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first Auburn fan asks, "Why not?"

The second Auburn fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Auburn, a Georgia grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Georgia grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Bulldogs!" and pushed the Tigers fan off the side of the mountain.

Q: What should you do if you find three Auburn University fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between an Auburn fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: How do you make Auburn University cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: What do Auburn and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q: What do you get when you cross an Auburn University fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Auburn joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am an Auburn grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's an Auburn grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's an Auburn grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Q: What's the hardest thing about being an Auburn Tiger fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the Auburn University campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Tigers cheerleaders back on board.

It was reported that Auburn head football coach Tommy Tuberville will only be dressing twenty players for the Georgia game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q: What do you call a Auburn player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at Auburn University weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: Why don't Auburn Tigers fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Auburn University library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

It's 03:20 and Auburn STILL sucks!

Q: What does the average Auburn University student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

An Auburn Tigers fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

One day in an elementary school in Auburn, AL, a teacher asks her class if the Auburn Tigers are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Georgia Bulldogs "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Bulldog fan, my mom is a Bulldog fan, I guess that makes me a Bulldog fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me an Auburn fan."

Q: How many Auburn fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Auburn win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Auburn?

A: Athens: 187 Miles

Q: Do you know why the Auburn University football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

My two favorite teams are Georgia and whoever plays Auburn!

Q. What did the Auburn graduate say to the Georgia graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: Did you hear about the Auburn University fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Auburn Tigers?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Auburn University campus?

A: A visitor.

Q: How do you get an Auburn University grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: Why do Auburn University fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Did you hear about the Tiger fan who was so upset that the Bulldogs beat Auburn that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Q: Did you hear about the fire in Auburn University's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the Auburn University campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

One foggy night, a Georgia fan and an Auburn fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Athens. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Auburn fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Bulldog fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Auburn fan walks over to the Bulldog fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Bulldog fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Bulldog fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Tiger fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Tiger fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Tiger fan hands it back to the Bulldog fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Bulldog fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."