Q: How many Rice fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: What do you call a Rice player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

Q: What does the average Rice University student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in Rice University's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q. What did the Rice graduate say to the Houston graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the Rice University campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Rice University library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

It was reported that Rice head football coach Ken Hatfield will only be dressing twenty players for the Houston game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at Rice University weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: How do you get a Rice University grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

My two favorite teams are Houston and whoever plays Rice!

Q: How do you make Rice University cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: How many Rice University freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: What do Rice and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Rice University campus?

A: A visitor.

A Rice Owls fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

Q: Why do Rice University fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: Why don't Rice Owls fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Houston?

A: Houston: 187 Miles

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Rice joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Rice grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Rice grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Rice grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Two Rice University fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first Rice fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second Rice fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first Rice fan asks, "Why not?"

The second Rice fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the Rice University campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Owls cheerleaders back on board.

Q: What's the difference between a Rice fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: Did you hear about the Rice University fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Rice Owls?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: What's the hardest thing about being a Rice Owl fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Did you hear about the Owl fan who was so upset that the Cougars beat Rice that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Houston News Report: Football practice in Houston was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Ken Hatfield, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Q: What should you do if you find three Rice University fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

One day in an elementary school in Houston, TX, a teacher asks her class if the Rice Owls are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Houston Cougars "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Cougar fan, my mom is a Cougar fan, I guess that makes me a Cougar fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Rice fan."

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Rice win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a Rice, a Houston grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Houston grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Cougars!" and pushed the Owls fan off the side of the mountain.

One foggy night, a Houston fan and a Rice fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Houston. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Rice fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Cougar fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Rice fan walks over to the Cougar fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Cougar fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Cougar fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Owl fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Owl fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Owl fan hands it back to the Cougar fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Cougar fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Q: What do you get when you cross a Rice University fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

Q: Do you know why the Rice University football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

It's 07:47 and Rice STILL sucks!