It's 08:02 and Akron STILL sucks!

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Akron?

A: Kent: 187 Miles

One foggy night, a Kent State fan and an Akron fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Kent. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Akron fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Golden Flashes fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Akron fan walks over to the Golden Flashes fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Golden Flashes fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Golden Flashes fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Zip fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Zip fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Zip fan hands it back to the Golden Flashes fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Golden Flashes fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Akron joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am an Akron grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's an Akron grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's an Akron grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Akron weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: Did you hear about the University of Akron fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: How do you get an University of Akron grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Akron campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Zips cheerleaders back on board.

Q: Why don't Akron Zips fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: Why do University of Akron fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: How do you make University of Akron cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

One day in an elementary school in Akron, OH, a teacher asks her class if the Akron Zips are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Kent State Golden Flashes "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Golden Flashes fan, my mom is a Golden Flashes fan, I guess that makes me a Golden Flashes fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me an Akron fan."

Q: What do you call a Akron player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

Q: How many University of Akron freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

It was reported that Akron head football coach J.D. Brookhart will only be dressing twenty players for the Kent State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Akron, a Kent State grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Kent State grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Golden Flashes!" and pushed the Zips fan off the side of the mountain.

Q: What's the hardest thing about being an Akron Zip fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Q: What do you get when you cross an University of Akron fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

My two favorite teams are Kent State and whoever plays Akron!

Q: How many Akron fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Akron library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Akron campus?

A: A visitor.

Q. What did the Akron graduate say to the Kent State graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: What's the difference between an Akron fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Two University of Akron fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first Akron fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second Akron fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first Akron fan asks, "Why not?"

The second Akron fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Akron News Report: Football practice in Akron was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, J.D. Brookhart, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Akron Zips?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Akron's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: What does the average University of Akron student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Did you hear about the Zip fan who was so upset that the Golden Flashes beat Akron that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Q: What do Akron and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Akron win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

An Akron Zips fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

Q: What should you do if you find three University of Akron fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of Akron campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

Q: Do you know why the University of Akron football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.