General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Ole Miss win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

My two favorite teams are Memphis and whoever plays Ole Miss!

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Mississippi library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: What do you get when you cross an University of Mississippi fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

It was reported that Ole Miss head football coach Ed Orgeron will only be dressing twenty players for the Memphis game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q: What do Ole Miss and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q: Do you know why the University of Mississippi football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: How many University of Mississippi freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

An Ole Miss Rebels fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Mississippi campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Rebels cheerleaders back on board.

Q: How do you make University of Mississippi cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: How many Ole Miss fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Ole Miss, a Memphis grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Memphis grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Tigers!" and pushed the Rebels fan off the side of the mountain.

Q: Why do University of Mississippi fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: Why don't Ole Miss Rebels fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: What do you call a Ole Miss player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

Two University of Mississippi fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first Ole Miss fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second Ole Miss fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first Ole Miss fan asks, "Why not?"

The second Ole Miss fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: What does the average University of Mississippi student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of Mississippi campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

Q: How do you get an University of Mississippi grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Ole Miss joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am an Ole Miss grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's an Ole Miss grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's an Ole Miss grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Mississippi weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Ole Miss Rebels?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: What should you do if you find three University of Mississippi fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

Q. What did the Ole Miss graduate say to the Memphis graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Mississippi's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Did you hear about the Rebel fan who was so upset that the Tigers beat Ole Miss that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Q: What's the hardest thing about being an Ole Miss Rebel fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Mississippi campus?

A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the University of Mississippi fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

One foggy night, a Memphis fan and an Ole Miss fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Memphis. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Ole Miss fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Tiger fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Ole Miss fan walks over to the Tiger fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Tiger fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Tiger fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Rebel fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Rebel fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Rebel fan hands it back to the Tiger fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Tiger fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

It's 07:39 and Ole Miss STILL sucks!

Oxford News Report: Football practice in Oxford was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Ed Orgeron, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

One day in an elementary school in Oxford, MS, a teacher asks her class if the Ole Miss Rebels are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Memphis Tigers "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Tiger fan, my mom is a Tiger fan, I guess that makes me a Tiger fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me an Ole Miss fan."

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Oxford?

A: Memphis: 187 Miles

Q: What's the difference between an Ole Miss fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.