Q: Why do University of Southern California fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Los Angeles?

A: South Bend: 187 Miles

Q: What do you call a USC player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

Q: Did you hear about the University of Southern California fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Southern California campus?

A: A visitor.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good USC joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a USC grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a USC grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a USC grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Q: What should you do if you find three University of Southern California fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the hardest thing about being a USC Trojan fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Q: What's the difference between a USC fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: Why don't USC Trojans fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

One foggy night, a Notre Dame fan and a USC fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near South Bend. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The USC fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Fighting Irish fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The USC fan walks over to the Fighting Irish fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Fighting Irish fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Fighting Irish fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Trojan fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Trojan fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Trojan fan hands it back to the Fighting Irish fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Fighting Irish fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of Southern California campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a USC, a Notre Dame grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Notre Dame grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Fighting Irish!" and pushed the Trojans fan off the side of the mountain.

Q. What did the USC graduate say to the Notre Dame graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: How do you make University of Southern California cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

A USC Trojans fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have USC win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

Q: What do USC and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q: What does the average University of Southern California student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

It was reported that USC head football coach Pete Carroll will only be dressing twenty players for the Notre Dame game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Did you hear about the Trojan fan who was so upset that the Fighting Irish beat USC that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Q: Do you know why the University of Southern California football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: How many USC fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Los Angeles News Report: Football practice in Los Angeles was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Pete Carroll, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Southern California's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Southern California campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Trojans cheerleaders back on board.

Q: How many University of Southern California freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Southern California weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Southern California library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the USC Trojans?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

It's 07:46 and USC STILL sucks!

Q: How do you get a University of Southern California grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

One day in an elementary school in Los Angeles, CA, a teacher asks her class if the USC Trojans are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Notre Dame Fighting Irish "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Fighting Irish fan, my mom is a Fighting Irish fan, I guess that makes me a Fighting Irish fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a USC fan."

Two University of Southern California fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first USC fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second USC fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first USC fan asks, "Why not?"

The second USC fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

My two favorite teams are Notre Dame and whoever plays USC!

Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Southern California fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.