Q: How do you get a University of Houston grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What does the average University of Houston student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Houston fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

Q: Why don't Houston Cougars fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: How many Houston fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Houston campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Cougars cheerleaders back on board.

A Houston Cougars fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

Q. What did the Houston graduate say to the Rice graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Houston?

A: Houston: 187 Miles

Q: Did you hear about the University of Houston fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

My two favorite teams are Rice and whoever plays Houston!

Q: How do you make University of Houston cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

It was reported that Houston head football coach Art Brilles will only be dressing twenty players for the Rice game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Two University of Houston fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first Houston fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second Houston fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first Houston fan asks, "Why not?"

The second Houston fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: What do you call a Houston player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Houston joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Houston grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Houston grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Houston grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Houston's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: What should you do if you find three University of Houston fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Houston win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

Q: Do you know why the University of Houston football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

One foggy night, a Rice fan and a Houston fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Houston. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Houston fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Owl fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Houston fan walks over to the Owl fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Owl fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Owl fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Cougar fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Cougar fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Cougar fan hands it back to the Owl fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Owl fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a Houston, a Rice grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Rice grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Owls!" and pushed the Cougars fan off the side of the mountain.

Q: Why do University of Houston fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

It's 07:46 and Houston STILL sucks!

One day in an elementary school in Houston, TX, a teacher asks her class if the Houston Cougars are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Rice Owls "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Owl fan, my mom is a Owl fan, I guess that makes me a Owl fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Houston fan."

Q: What do Houston and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Houston News Report: Football practice in Houston was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Art Brilles, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Did you hear about the Cougar fan who was so upset that the Owls beat Houston that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Q: What's the difference between a Houston fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the hardest thing about being a Houston Cougar fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Houston campus?

A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Houston library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Houston weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of Houston campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

Q: How many University of Houston freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Houston Cougars?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.