Did you hear about the Golden Bear fan who was so upset that the Cardinals beat California that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Q: Do you know why the University of California football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of California campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of California campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Golden Bears cheerleaders back on board.

Q: How many California fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: Why do University of California fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Berkeley News Report: Football practice in Berkeley was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Jeff Tedford, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

One day in an elementary school in Berkeley, CA, a teacher asks her class if the Cal Golden Bears are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Stanford Cardinals "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Cardinal fan, my mom is a Cardinal fan, I guess that makes me a Cardinal fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a California fan."

Q: What's the difference between a California fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

A Cal Golden Bears fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

Q: How many University of California freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of California weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Cal Golden Bears?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: What's the hardest thing about being a California Golden Bear fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good California joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a California grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a California grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a California grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Q: What do you get when you cross a University of California fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

It was reported that California head football coach Jeff Tedford will only be dressing twenty players for the Stanford game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q. What did the California graduate say to the Stanford graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a California, a Stanford grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Stanford grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Cardinals!" and pushed the Golden Bears fan off the side of the mountain.

Two University of California fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first California fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second California fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first California fan asks, "Why not?"

The second California fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: How do you make University of California cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

It's 07:47 and California STILL sucks!

My two favorite teams are Stanford and whoever plays California!

Q: What does the average University of California student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

One foggy night, a Stanford fan and a California fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Palo Alto. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The California fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Cardinal fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The California fan walks over to the Cardinal fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Cardinal fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Cardinal fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Golden Bear fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Golden Bear fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Golden Bear fan hands it back to the Cardinal fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Cardinal fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of California's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: How do you get a University of California grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: Why don't Cal Golden Bears fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Berkeley?

A: Palo Alto: 187 Miles

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of California library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have California win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

Q: What do California and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q: What do you call a California player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of California campus?

A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the University of California fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: What should you do if you find three University of California fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.