General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have SMU win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

Q: How do you make Southern Methodist University cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: What does the average Southern Methodist University student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

It's 07:48 and SMU STILL sucks!

Q: Did you hear about the fire in Southern Methodist University's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

One foggy night, a TCU fan and a SMU fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Fort Worth. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The SMU fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Horned Frog fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The SMU fan walks over to the Horned Frog fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Horned Frog fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Horned Frog fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Mustang fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Mustang fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Mustang fan hands it back to the Horned Frog fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Horned Frog fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Southern Methodist University library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a SMU, a TCU grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the TCU grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Horned Frogs!" and pushed the Mustangs fan off the side of the mountain.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the SMU Mustangs?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: Did you hear about the Southern Methodist University fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

A SMU Mustangs fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

One day in an elementary school in University Park, TX, a teacher asks her class if the SMU Mustangs are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The TCU Horned Frogs "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Horned Frog fan, my mom is a Horned Frog fan, I guess that makes me a Horned Frog fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a SMU fan."

Q. What did the SMU graduate say to the TCU graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Two Southern Methodist University fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first SMU fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second SMU fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first SMU fan asks, "Why not?"

The second SMU fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: How many SMU fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Southern Methodist University campus?

A: A visitor.

Q: How many Southern Methodist University freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the Southern Methodist University campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Mustangs cheerleaders back on board.

Q: What do you call a SMU player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

My two favorite teams are TCU and whoever plays SMU!

Q: Why don't SMU Mustangs fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: What should you do if you find three Southern Methodist University fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

Q: How do you get a Southern Methodist University grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: Do you know why the Southern Methodist University football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at Southern Methodist University weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: What's the difference between a SMU fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: Why do Southern Methodist University fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What's the hardest thing about being a SMU Mustang fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

It was reported that SMU head football coach Phil Bennett will only be dressing twenty players for the TCU game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the Southern Methodist University campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good SMU joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a SMU grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a SMU grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a SMU grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Did you hear about the Mustang fan who was so upset that the Horned Frogs beat SMU that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Q: What do you get when you cross a Southern Methodist University fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in University Park?

A: Fort Worth: 187 Miles

Q: What do SMU and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

University Park News Report: Football practice in University Park was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Phil Bennett, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.