Memphis News Report: Football practice in Memphis was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Brooks Monaghan, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Memphis campus?

A: A visitor.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Memphis joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Memphis grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Memphis grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Memphis grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Q: What's the difference between a Memphis fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: Why don't Memphis Tigers fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: What do you call a Memphis player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

Q: What should you do if you find three University of Memphis fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Memphis win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

My two favorite teams are Arkansas State and whoever plays Memphis!

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Memphis Tigers?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: How do you make University of Memphis cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Two University of Memphis fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first Memphis fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second Memphis fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first Memphis fan asks, "Why not?"

The second Memphis fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q. What did the Memphis graduate say to the Arkansas State graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Memphis weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

It's 07:46 and Memphis STILL sucks!

Q: Why do University of Memphis fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

One foggy night, an Arkansas State fan and a Memphis fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Jonesboro. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Memphis fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Indian fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Memphis fan walks over to the Indian fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Indian fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Indian fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Tiger fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Tiger fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Tiger fan hands it back to the Indian fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Indian fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Memphis library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

It was reported that Memphis head football coach Brooks Monaghan will only be dressing twenty players for the Arkansas State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q: How do you get a University of Memphis grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: How many University of Memphis freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

One day in an elementary school in Memphis, TN, a teacher asks her class if the Memphis Tigers are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Arkansas State Indians "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Indian fan, my mom is a Indian fan, I guess that makes me a Indian fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Memphis fan."

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of Memphis campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

Q: What do Memphis and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a Memphis, an Arkansas State grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Arkansas State grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Indians!" and pushed the Tigers fan off the side of the mountain.

Q: What does the average University of Memphis student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Memphis campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Tigers cheerleaders back on board.

Did you hear about the Tiger fan who was so upset that the Indians beat Memphis that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Q: Did you hear about the University of Memphis fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: Do you know why the University of Memphis football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Memphis?

A: Jonesboro: 187 Miles

Q: How many Memphis fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: What's the hardest thing about being a Memphis Tiger fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Memphis' football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

A Memphis Tigers fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Memphis fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.