It's 12:09 and Iowa STILL sucks!

Q: Did you hear about the University of Iowa fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: What's the difference between an Iowa fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Did you hear about the Hawkeye fan who was so upset that the Cyclones beat Iowa that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

It was reported that Iowa head football coach Kirk Ferentz will only be dressing twenty players for the Iowa State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q: How do you get an University of Iowa grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of Iowa campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

Q: What do you get when you cross an University of Iowa fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Iowa's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Iowa joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am an Iowa grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's an Iowa grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's an Iowa grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Iowa, an Iowa State grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Iowa State grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Cyclones!" and pushed the Hawkeyes fan off the side of the mountain.

Q: Why don't Iowa Hawkeyes fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Iowa win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

One foggy night, an Iowa State fan and an Iowa fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Ames. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Iowa fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Cyclone fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Iowa fan walks over to the Cyclone fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Cyclone fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Cyclone fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Hawkeye fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Hawkeye fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Hawkeye fan hands it back to the Cyclone fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Cyclone fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Iowa campus?

A: A visitor.

Two University of Iowa fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first Iowa fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second Iowa fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first Iowa fan asks, "Why not?"

The second Iowa fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: What's the hardest thing about being an Iowa Hawkeye fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Q: How do you make University of Iowa cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: How many University of Iowa freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Iowa City News Report: Football practice in Iowa City was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Kirk Ferentz, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

One day in an elementary school in Iowa City, IA, a teacher asks her class if the Iowa Hawkeyes are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Iowa State Cyclones "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Cyclone fan, my mom is a Cyclone fan, I guess that makes me a Cyclone fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me an Iowa fan."

Q: What should you do if you find three University of Iowa fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Iowa weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: What does the average University of Iowa student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Q: What do Iowa and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q: Why do University of Iowa fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: Do you know why the University of Iowa football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

An Iowa Hawkeyes fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

Q: How many Iowa fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: What do you call a Iowa player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Iowa City?

A: Ames: 187 Miles

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Iowa Hawkeyes?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Iowa campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Hawkeyes cheerleaders back on board.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Iowa library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q. What did the Iowa graduate say to the Iowa State graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

My two favorite teams are Iowa State and whoever plays Iowa!