Q: What do you call a Duke player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

Q: What do you get when you cross a Duke University fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

One foggy night, a North Carolina fan and a Duke fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near Chapel Hill. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Duke fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Tar Heel fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Duke fan walks over to the Tar Heel fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Tar Heel fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Tar Heel fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Blue Devil fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Blue Devil fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Blue Devil fan hands it back to the Tar Heel fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Tar Heel fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Q: Why do Duke University fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: How do you get a Duke University grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

It's 12:09 and Duke STILL sucks!

Q: What's the difference between a Duke fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Durham News Report: Football practice in Durham was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Ted Roof, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Q: How many Duke fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: What should you do if you find three Duke University fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a Duke, a North Carolina grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the North Carolina grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Tar Heels!" and pushed the Blue Devils fan off the side of the mountain.

A Duke Blue Devils fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

It was reported that Duke head football coach Ted Roof will only be dressing twenty players for the North Carolina game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Duke joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Duke grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Duke grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Duke grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

My two favorite teams are North Carolina and whoever plays Duke!

Q. What did the Duke graduate say to the North Carolina graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: Did you hear about the Duke University fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the Duke University campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Blue Devils cheerleaders back on board.

Q: How do you make Duke University cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Duke win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Duke University library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

One day in an elementary school in Durham, NC, a teacher asks her class if the Duke Blue Devils are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The North Carolina Tar Heels "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Tar Heel fan, my mom is a Tar Heel fan, I guess that makes me a Tar Heel fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Duke fan."

Q: What do Duke and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q: How many Duke University freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Durham?

A: Chapel Hill: 187 Miles

Q: Do you know why the Duke University football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in Duke University's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Did you hear about the Blue Devil fan who was so upset that the Tar Heels beat Duke that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Duke Blue Devils?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at Duke University weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Two Duke University fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first Duke fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second Duke fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first Duke fan asks, "Why not?"

The second Duke fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Duke University campus?

A: A visitor.

Q: What's the hardest thing about being a Duke Blue Devil fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Q: What does the average Duke University student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Q: Why don't Duke Blue Devils fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the Duke University campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.