It's 06:25 and Texas STILL sucks!

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Texas' football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

One foggy night, a Texas A&M fan and a Texas fan were driving the opposite directions on a road near College Station. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Texas fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Aggie fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Texas fan walks over to the Aggie fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Aggie fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."

The Aggie fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Longhorn fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Longhorn fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Longhorn fan hands it back to the Aggie fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Aggie fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Texas joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Texas grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Texas grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a Texas grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Q. What did the Texas graduate say to the Texas A&M graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

Q: What's the only sign of intelligent life in Austin?

A: College Station: 187 Miles

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the General, "I will grant you one wish."

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," the General responds, "then can you have Texas win a bowl game this year?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Let me see that map again."

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of Texas campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Texas campus?

A: A visitor.

Austin News Report: Football practice in Austin was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Mack Brown, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Q: Do you know why the University of Texas football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

My two favorite teams are Texas A&M and whoever plays Texas!

Q: Why don't Texas Longhorns fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: What should you do if you find three University of Texas fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.

Q: Did you hear about the University of Texas fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Texas library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: What do you call a Texas player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

One day in an elementary school in Austin, TX, a teacher asks her class if the Texas Longhorns are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Texas A&M Aggies "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Aggie fan, my mom is a Aggie fan, I guess that makes me a Aggie fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Texas fan."

Q: What's the hardest thing about being a Texas Longhorn fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

Q: How do you make University of Texas cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a Texas, a Texas A&M grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!"

Seeing this, the Texas A&M grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Aggies!" and pushed the Longhorns fan off the side of the mountain.

Q: What's the difference between a Texas fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Did you hear about the Longhorn fan who was so upset that the Aggies beat Texas that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

Q: What do Texas and pot have in common?

A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Texas fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

Q: How do you get a University of Texas grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Texas Longhorns?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: How many Texas fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Two University of Texas fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first Texas fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second Texas fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."

The first Texas fan asks, "Why not?"

The second Texas fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Texas weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: How many University of Texas freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: What does the average University of Texas student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Q: Why do University of Texas fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Texas campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Longhorns cheerleaders back on board.

It was reported that Texas head football coach Mack Brown will only be dressing twenty players for the Texas A&M game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

A Texas Longhorns fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."